Real Conversations 5 Lessons

Welcome to the world of Real Conversations® coaching! ~ Congratulations on taking a big step toward a better life!

Here is your powerful, 40-minute, self-coaching MP3 lesson you ordered about the Real Conversations process. Just click on this link or copy and paste it into your browser. https://www.bessmccarty.com/downloads-php/

Are you ready for change? Then Real Conversations: Four Steps to Real Solutions is for you!

I suggest listening to this breakthrough process as soon as possible to bring more joy, freedom, success and fulfillment into your life!

I’ve also provided a chart of the Real Conversations process so you can refer to it as you listen to the MP3 lesson: https://www.bessmccarty.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Real-Conversations-27.pdf

As a follow-up, I’ll also send you five days of Lessons for using this Real Conversations process in your everyday life!

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments you might have.

Real Conversations Lesson #1 ~ It’s OK to Be Me! ~ Acceptance

Are you ready for change?

When you’re faced with burnout, difficult relationships,  addictive habits, or a need for change, Real Conversations is the best system I know that can help. It is about a real relationship with you. It’s a resource you can use to get the love, joy and freedom you wish for every day of your life. No matter how stuck you may feel, there is no problem that Real Conversations cannot solve. I guarantee it!

Recently you requested your free 40-minute audio lesson for Real Conversations: Four Steps to Real Solutions. After you download it, I recommend listening to it several times to grasp its benefit. If you’ve listened to it at least once, then read on to your next steps!

I also suggest you print the Real Conversations chart – “Meeting Needs: A Four-Part Process”.  Having it nearby will help you get the most from these five simple e-lessons, which will help you use Real Conversations in your life.

Let’s begin. These five e-lessons parallel the Real Conversations four steps on the chart, beginning with Acceptance.

1.    Acceptance
2.    Identify the problem
3.    Identify the feeling behind the problem
4.    Identify the need behind the feeling
5.    Meet that need in a healthy way

We start today with Acceptance.

I must begin by acknowledging your courage. The path of  growth is the hero’s journey. We reach a point where it is better to face our blocks than not–when we respond to the inner drive to reach for more. We weren’t meant to do this alone. Life supports and aids those who are sincere. I hope
to be a source of support to you.

I developed the Real Conversations process out of a heartbreak. I’ll tell you my story in Lesson # 5.

Real Conversations is a dialogue with our true selves, our Higher Power, and others–even pets and Mother Nature. It’s an absolutely essential process for our lives, our work and our relationships to work!

Very simply, Real Conversations works because it meets core needs. Our lives work when our core needs are met. Our lives don’t work when our core needs are not met. Real Conversations quickly and directly reveals your best solutions by uncovering and meeting your core needs! You can learn to do this yourself! Isn’t this worth a few minutes a day?

Ah, but there’s a catch! Why is that tough sometimes? Because we were likely shamed as children for our valid feelings, needs, and for how we tried to meet those needs.  Somewhere, sometime, our true, core nature recoiled from criticism and judgment, and went underground.

Therefore, our needs hide from us, locked safely away in our subconscious. The game is to find our secret key–the blocked need–like a detective.

The first step is to replace the shame and guilt about these needs with acceptance and compassion. Shame and guilt make us blame and withdraw from ourselves and life, instead of looking inside ourselves for the key. So the key remains hidden from us while we’re looking in the wrong direction!

Look at the Real Conversations chart. Do you feel badly about having any of these dysfunctions, feelings, or needs?

Try this for a few minutes: visualize your heart, your core, or Inner Child. Wrap him or her in a safe blanket of acceptance, compassion, and permission to have these valid needs. After all, they came from our Creator! A plant comes with needs for soil, water, and sun. It does not feel
ashamed. Your heart feels you cherishing yourself!

You’ve just taken your first step!

Tomorrow in Real Conversations Lesson #2, we take another step together. With acceptance, we will look at the dysfunction we want to change. A problem is just an unmet need.

I did it. You can too. I’ll show you the way! You can call for me a coaching session if you get stuck.

Real Conversations Lesson #2 ~ What’s bugging  you? ~ Identify the Problem
Today we focus on # 2: Identify the Problem

Ask yourself the following questions:

Exactly what change do you want to make in your life?
What’s your greatest challenge?
What would make your life more wonderful?
What’s missing?
What is your biggest goal?
What are your obstacles, weaknesses and liabilities?

I suggest writing them on your chart (Real Conversation Meeting Needs: A Four- Part Process) in the top box. Let’s look at this box with the compassion and acceptance that you gained in the last e-lesson. Which of these dysfunctions do you identify with, even to a small degree? It might look like stress, a negative habit or discouragement in relationships.

Please remove all judgment to have this Real Conversation with yourself. We are not bad if we have a problem. Remember, all problems are unmet needs! All needs listed in Box 3 are valid needs! A problem (Box 1) is just a need trying to be met in a way that doesn’t work! All dysfunctions were learned and can be unlearned, replaced with ways that work. Yes, I guarantee it!

Please write your problems with compassion. Choose the biggest or most urgent problem to work on first. With acceptance, you can afford to be honest with yourself. This is necessary to get the solution. It will be worth it, I promise!

You’ve just taken another step! Congratulations!
And stay tuned! Tomorrow in Real Conversations Lesson #3 we take another step together. With acceptance, we will get to know the feeling behind the problem. This is important because it can clue us into the hidden key–the hidden need.  The game is on!

Real Conversations Lesson #3 ~ Dare to Feel! ~ Identify the Feeling

Today we focus on # 3: Identify the feeling behind the problem.

So far, in Lesson #1, you acquired the necessary compassion for this work. In Lesson #2, you developed awareness of your main problem or goal. Now we take it a step further to find the feeling under this problem. Why? Because feelings lead us to figure out the need, which is the key to our
solution! OK, let’s do these steps together, like a detective hot on the trail of something very important: your happiness!

Let’s say your problem is criticizing your partner or child. What might your feeling be behind that criticism? Could it be anger, frustration, shame or discouragement?

If you need help putting your finger on the right emotion, look again at the Real Conversations chart. Take a look at the second box. I’ve listed lots of emotions to help you find the one or ones that are under the problem you identified.

Sometimes we need this help to find our feelings because we may have been told as a child, “Don’t be sad,” “Don’t get angry at your brother,” or “Smile!” (when you didn’t feel like smiling).

As a child, we want love and approval so badly that we may have been willing to sever ourselves from our real feelings. How sad! But now we can reclaim that relationship with ourselves. Are you willing to get real? Do you dare to feel?

Sometimes it helps to write down our feelings, talk with a trusted friend, or take a walk. All this usually helps us be with our emotions in a compassionate way. This feels much better than trying to avoid them. I call this the relationship with my heart, or my Inner Child.

Oh, precious protected inner chamber of the heart! It will only open for you if you approach with acceptance and compassion for yourself and your feelings. Bring compassion for the heartbreak of the past, for the fear that may tremble under the anger, for the loneliness for love. Hold your Inner Child until he or she feels your company. Be with your heart. Reclaim your given right to feel!

If you feel overwhelmed, I suggest full, deep breathing, exercising, writing, talking, or giving me a call. These techniques move energy. Stagnancy is pain. Energy in motion is e-motion! Movement is life. You are on your way to a better life!

You’ve just taken another step! Congratulations!

Now, tomorrow in Real Conversations Lesson # 4, we take a big key step together. We find the elusive hidden need: the goal of your search! This unlocks your secret to transforming your life!

Real Conversations Lesson #4 ~ Your Key to Happiness ~ Identify the Need

Today we focus on # 4: Identify the need behind the feeling.

Yesterday we identified the feeling that could be under the problem. If the problem was criticizing someone, the feeling(s) could be shame, anger, frustration or discouragement. What need could be under these feelings? Think back to when you last criticized, even if it was criticizing yourself. Remember the feeling? What did you really need? What were your words and feelings trying to tell you about what you need?

When I criticize, I’m feeling annoyed, because I’m really afraid I won’t get something I need, like sleep. I need sleep. Now that’s a valid, healthy need. It’s OK to need sleep. I just don’t like getting it through criticism!

There must be a better way to meet that valid need! I need help (or solutions). I need trust that I’ll find a way to get my rest. Stay tuned tomorrow to see how to meet that need in a healthy way!

Sometimes when we’re irritable, we may need food (low blood sugar), love, safety, understanding or security. I am surprised how often the need for safety shows up. The need for safety can come in the mask of these problems: perfectionism, avoidance, addictions, violence and even physical illness. Perhaps the greatest need is for love.

Take a look at the third box of your Real Conversations chart. Chose the need(s) behind the problem you’ve chosen to solve.

We may need help (like this chart)to identify needs for the same reason we saw in the last lesson about feelings: we were probably shamed for having those needs. “Oh, ignore her. She just wants attention” or “No, you’re not hungry” or “I have no time to play with you. Stop whining.” or “You’re bad if you touch yourself there!”

So we learn that our needs cause problems for our parents, who we love and who we need for survival. Our needs cause us to lose their love. To survive and get love, we try to banish our needs. But they don’t really go away. They go underground and surface as dysfunctions (or what we call problems). A problem is really an unmet need crying for help!

To break this cycle, give yourself permission to need. The needs listed in the third box are valid, healthy needs. No matter what your programming is, it’s OK to have them and OK to meet them in healthy ways! And hey! There is a healthy way to meet them all (you’ll find out in tomorrow’s lesson, along with my story of how Real Conversations was created).

Just a note about shame: we have to lose it to find the need. Our parents may have shamed us to get their needs met. If they’d had Real Conversations, they may have found a better way. Then they could have taught us that our behavior was bad, instead of making us (or our needs) bad.

You’ve just taken another step toward freedom!Congratulations!

Now you know the need that wants to be met for your greaterhappiness. Tomorrow in Real Conversations Lesson # 5, we complete this process with the solution to your goal–how to meet that need in a healthy way!

Real Conversations Lesson #5 ~ Your Solution is Here! ~ Meet the Need
Today we focus on # 5: Meet that need in a healthy way.

Yesterday you identified the need behind your chosen problem. Now how do you meet the need? Lots of creative ways! Look in the fourth Real Conversations box for ideas. I’ll demonstrate with my examples from yesterday’s lesson.

When I need sleep, I can replace my criticism problem with a request for help. “Will you please turn out the light?”

I might also get some earplugs or an eye mask. (Fortunately, I did my homework from yesterday, so I now know what I need!) Otherwise, my criticism may just express pain and not lead me to a solution for it. Pain is a code for an unmet need.

And now my story: Real Conversations was created when I was in deep pain. I was a new mother. I wanted to feel happy, yet I kept feeling great loneliness. My baby son would wake in the night to nurse. He would go back to sleep and I would stay awake feeling great heartbreak. I didn’t understand it. It was devastating.

This went on, night after night, until one night the pain became so great that in my desperation, I cried to someone for help! Suddenly, in my inner experience I was swept up and held by a comfortable, accepting, bosomy grandmother. She held and rocked me for a long time, until my heartache eased.

My pain was soothed and replaced by this unconditional love. I was changed. And I knew I could come back here anytime I needed love. I also now knew how to heal emotional needs I might have. I could imagine what I longed for until it became real. I could inwardly give to myself what I needed and perhaps didn’t always get as a child. (My mother believed in letting her babies cry in the crib, as long as they were not wet or hungry, so as not to spoil them.) The heartbreak I felt was from loneliness.

What happened? My need was for love or comfort. I believe I was given this gift as an instruction for how to meet needs with visualization. My Inner Child work was born. It may be one tool you might like to try.

We all try to meet our needs. We have problems when we do it in unhealthy ways that can actually harm us. (That’s the top box of the chart!) The healthy tools in the fourth box can replace them. There are many more healthy ways.

If you’d like help, feel free to call for a get-acquainted session with me.

Congratulations on completing your Real Conversations Lessons!

You now have the ticket to transform stress, troubled relationships, addictive habits and unhealthy patterns into joy, love, freedom, fulfillment andthe life of your dreams.  Yes, it’s possible! I’ve helped hundreds do it and they are continuing to do it every day. You can too!

If you can believe it, you can achieve it!

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