Would you like to be able to coach yourself through any block that comes up? Turn any problem into it’s solution in minutes? So you can be unstoppable in your businesses?
That’s why I created the powerful Real Conversations® self-coach process for network marketers. Here is a 40-minute MP3 lesson/radio interview https://www.bessmccarty.com/downloads-php/ and flow-chart Real Conversations Chart.
This is the most important tool I can share with you. 80% of success is mindset! I’ve distilled my 30 year background in psychology into this tool for you, and we will deepen your skills with it.
Now follows 5 easy Lessons to use this Real Conversations process in your business and life! So you can have more joy, freedom, success and fulfillment!
1. Welcome to your first of five Real Conversations Lessons: Acceptance. Congratulations on taking a real step toward the life you want!
How can you learn to solve any problem?
When you or your team are faced with burnout, fear, skeptics, procrastination, or stress about time, money, and family needs, Real Conversations is the best system I know that can help. It’s a tool you can use to get unstuck and moving again. There is no problem that Real Conversations cannot solve. I guarantee it!
If you’ve listened to the above MP3 at least once, then read on to your next steps! I also suggest you print the Real Conversations Chart – Having it nearby will help you get the most from these five simple e-lessons, which will help you use Real Conversations in your business.
Let’s begin. These 5 Lessons parallel the Real Conversations four steps on the chart, beginning with acceptance.
2. Identify the Problem
3. Identify the Feeling Behind the Problem
4. Identify the Need Behind the Feeling
5. Meet that Need in a Healthy Way
We start today with Acceptance.
I must begin by acknowledging your courage. The path of growth is the hero’s journey. We reach a point where it is better to face our blocks than not–when we respond to the inner drive to reach for more. We weren’t meant to do this alone. Life supports and aids those who are sincere. I hope to be a source of support to you.
I developed the Real Conversations process out of a heartbreak. I’ll tell you my story in Lesson # 5.
Real Conversations is a dialogue with our true selves, our Higher Power, and others–even pets and Mother Nature. It’s an absolutely essential process for our lives, our work and our relationships to work!
Very simply, Real Conversations works because it meets core needs. Our lives work when our core needs are met. Our lives don’t work when our core needs are not met. Real Conversations quickly and directly reveals your best solutions by uncovering and meeting your core needs! You can learn to do this yourself! Isn’t this worth a few minutes a day?
Ah, but why is that tough sometimes?
A bit of psychology: because we were likely shamed as children for our valid feelings, needs, and for how we tried to meet those needs. Somewhere, sometime, our true, core nature recoiled from criticism and judgment, and went underground.
Therefore, our needs hide from us, locked safely away in our subconscious. The game is to find our secret key–the blocked need–like a detective.
The first step is to replace the shame and guilt about these needs with acceptance and compassion. Shame and guilt make us blame and withdraw from ourselves and life, instead of looking inside ourselves for the key. So the key remains hidden from us while we’re looking in the wrong direction!
Look at the Real Conversations Chart. Do you feel badly about having any of these dysfunctions, feelings, or needs?
Try this for a few minutes: visualize your heart, your core, or Inner Child. Wrap him or her in a safe blanket of acceptance, compassion, and permission to have these valid needs. After all, they came from our Creator! A plant comes with needs for soil, water, and sun. It does not feel ashamed. Your heart feels you cherishing yourself!
You’ve just taken your first step!
Next is Real Conversations Lesson #2, we take another step together. With acceptance, we will look at the dysfunction we want to change. A problem is just an unmet need.
I did it. You can too. And you can email me for a coaching session if you get stuck: email@example.com
2. Welcome to your second Real Conversations Lesson: Identify the Problem
The goal of these e-lessons is to enable you coach yourself and your team through challenges like burnout, fear, skeptics, procrastination, or stress about time, money, and family needs. So you can have more love, joy, freedom, and fulfillment in your life!
Exactly what change do you want to make in your business and life?
What’s your greatest challenge?
What would make your life more wonderful?
What is your biggest goal?
What are your obstacles, weaknesses and liabilities?
I suggest writing them on your chart (Real Conversation Meeting Needs: A Four- Part Process) in the top box. Let’s look at this box with the compassion and acceptance that you gained in the last Lesson. Which of these dysfunctions do you identify with, even to a small degree? It might look like stress, a negative habit or discouragement with your business.
Please remove all judgment to have this Real Conversation with yourself. We are not bad if we have a problem. Remember, all problems are unmet needs! All needs listed in Box 3 are valid needs! A problem (Box 1) is just a need trying to be met in a way that doesn’t work! All dysfunctions were learned and can be unlearned, replaced with ways that work. Yes, I guarantee it!
Please write your problems with compassion. Choose the biggest or most urgent problem to work on first. With acceptance, you can afford to be honest with yourself. This is necessary to get the solution. It will be worth it, I promise!
You’ve just taken another step! Congratulations!
3. Welcome to your third Real Conversations Lesson: Identify the Feeling Behind the Problem. You’re on your way to transforming your challenges into success, joy, freedom and fulfillment!
So far, in Lesson #1, you acquired the necessary compassion for this work. In Lesson #2, you developed awareness of your main problem or goal. Now we take it a step further to find the feeling under this problem. Why? Because feelings lead us to figure out the need, which is the key to our solution! OK, let’s do these steps together, like a detective hot on the trail of something very important: your success!
Let’s say your problem is an inactive team. Or no team. What might be your feeling behind that? Could it be anger, frustration, shame or discouragement?
If you need help putting your finger on the right emotion, look again at the Real Conversations chart. Take a look at the second box. I’ve listed lots of emotions to help you find the one or ones that are under the problem you identified.
Sometimes we need this help to find our feelings because we may have been told as a child, “Don’t be sad,” “Don’t get angry at your brother,” or “Smile!” (when you didn’t feel like smiling).
As a child, we want love and approval so badly that we may have been willing to sever ourselves from our real feelings. How sad! But now we can reclaim that relationship with ourselves. Are you willing to get real? Do you dare to feel?
Sometimes it helps to write down your feelings, talk with a trusted friend, or take a walk. All this usually helps us be with our emotions in a compassionate way. This feels much better than trying to avoid them. I call this the relationship with my heart, or my Inner Child.
Oh, precious protected inner chamber of the heart! It will only open for you if you approach with acceptance and compassion for yourself and your feelings. Bring compassion for heartbreak of the past, for the fear that may tremble under the anger, for the loneliness for love. Hold your Inner Child until he or she feels your company. Be with your heart. Reclaim your given right to feel!
If you feel overwhelmed, I suggest full, deep breathing, exercising, writing, talking, or contacting me. These techniques move energy. Stagnancy is pain. Energy in motion is e-motion! Movement is life. You are on your way to a better life!
You’ve just taken another step! Congratulations!
4. Welcome to your fourth Real Conversations Lesson: Identify the Need Behind the Feeling
Now we find the elusive hidden need: the goal of your search! This unlocks your secret to transforming your business!
In the last Lesson, we identified the feeling that could be under the problem. If your problem is an inactive or absent team, your feeling(s) could be shame, anger, frustration or discouragement. What need could be under these feelings? Think back to when you last experienced failure. Remember the feeling? What did you really NEED? What were your words and feelings trying to tell you about what you need?
When I fail to reach a goal, I’m FEEL frustrated. I NEED understanding of what to do differently, and I NEED encouragement to keep trying.
See? I found my NEEDS: “Understanding” and “Encouragement” are in the 3rd box on the Real Conversations chart.
Take a look at the 3rd box of your Real Conversations chart. Choose the need(s) behind the problem you’ve chosen to solve.
We may need help (like this chart) to identify needs for the same reason we saw in the last lesson about feelings: we were probably shamed for having those needs. “Oh, ignore her. She just wants attention” or “No, you’re not hungry” or “I have no time to play with you. Stop whining.” or “You’re bad if you touch yourself there!”
So we learn that our needs cause problems for our parents, who we love and who we need for survival. Our needs cause us to lose their love. To survive and get love, we try to banish our needs. But they don’t really go away. They go underground and surface as dysfunctions (or what we call problems). A problem is really an unmet need crying for help!
To break this cycle, give yourself permission to need. The needs listed in the 3rd box are valid, healthy needs. No matter what your programming is, it’s OK to have them and OK to meet them in healthy ways! And hey! There is a healthy way to meet them all (you’ll find out in tomorrow’s lesson, along with my story of how Real Conversations was created).
Just a note about shame: we have to lose it to find the need. Our parents may have shamed us to get their needs met (like working or resting). If they’d had Real Conversations, they may have found a better way. Then they could have taught us when our behavior was bad, instead of making us (or our needs) bad with shame.
You’ve just taken another step for your business! Congratulations!
5. Welcome to your fifth Real Conversations Lesson: Meet that Need in a Healthy Way. This is your final step to a new turn in your business!
Last Lesson you identified the need behind your chosen problem. Now how do you meet the need? Lots of creative ways! Look in the fourth Real Conversations box for ideas. I’ll demonstrate with my examples from Lesson 4.
When I have failed to reach a goal, such as having an active team, my frustration tells me I need understanding of what to do differently going forward, what new behavior and skills. And I need encouragement to put those into action.
So how can I meet those needs?
Well, to get the understanding of how to coach my team to success, or choose better distributors, I’d want to ask people with a successful team, preferably people with a personality like mine, and who used to have an inactive team. I could ask people in the MLM Millionaire Academy, in the Facebook Group, and on the calls, and listen to the replays. And study the articles and materials in the Academy, and read John Maxwell’s books on Leadership. I could get private coaching on this. I could interview successful network marketers I know, including my upline. I could write the actions I chose to use, and a timeline for them.
And if I’ve been discouraged and wonder if my new ideas will bear fruit, how can I get ENcouraged?
I can recall my past successes and talents, and hear from successful network marketers about the failures they learned from to get where they are, and I can get support from someone, such as a coach.
If this were you, would that meet your needs? Would these solutions solve your problem of an inactive team?
I promised to tell you my story of how Real Conversations came to be. It is an intimate and emotional one.
I was a new mother. I wanted to feel happy, yet I kept feeling great loneliness. My baby son would wake in the night to nurse. He would go back to sleep and I would stay awake feeling great heartbreak. I didn’t understand it. It was devastating.
This went on, night after night, until one night the pain became so great that in my desperation, I cried to someone for help! Suddenly, in my inner experience I was swept up and held by a comfortable, accepting, bosomy grandmother. She held and rocked me for a long time, until my heartache eased.
My pain was soothed and replaced by this unconditional love. I was changed. And I knew I could come back here anytime I needed love. I also now knew how to heal emotional needs I might have. I could imagine what I longed for until it became real. I could inwardly give to myself what I needed and perhaps didn’t always get as a child. (My mother believed in letting her babies cry in the crib, as long as they were not wet or hungry, so as not to spoil them.) The heartbreak I felt was from loneliness.
What happened? My need was for love or comfort. I believe I was given this gift as an instruction for how to meet needs with visualization. My Inner Child work was born. It may be one tool you might like to try.
We all try to meet our needs. We have problems when we do it in unhealthy ways that can actually harm us. (That’s the top box of the chart!) The healthy tools in the fourth box can replace them. There are many more healthy ways.
Congratulations on completing your Real Conversations Lessons!
You now have the tools to overcome any blocks, challenges, or problems you or your team face, even family stresses. I’ve helped hundreds do it and they are continuing to do it every day. You can too!
If you can believe it, you can achieve it! ~ Look for upcoming books on Real Conversations.
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